The first duty of love is to listen.
-- Paul Tillich

When I ask a couple why they are coming to see me for counseling they universally say they want a better relationship. If we want loving relationships, we must start by having good communication and to do that, we have to learn to be an effective listener. The tricky thing about mastering listening skills is: most people think they are good listeners while very few people truly are.

At first, when we want a close connection with someone, we talk. We think the words we say are the most important part in connecting to others. I suppose the thinking goes: “If I can show off how smart and funny I am, people will love me.” When that doesn’t work, we double down and talk more. Of course the person we’re talking to is doing the same thing.

Everyone is talking and no one is listening.

There are three distinct levels of listening: Passive Listening, Active Listening, and Heart Centered Listening. Understanding the difference between them is the first step in becoming a good listener.

Passive Listening

This is the first level of listening and is the easiest and most common form. If we are awake, and able to hear sounds; we can register the sounds around us. That is called passive listening and it requires little to no effort on the part of the listener. This is a mechanical, non-involved, one way type of communication. The listener might be physically present, but is often mentally checked out and not paying attention. This type of listener is either thinking of other things or thinking of a devastating comeback, waiting for a pause in the narrative to jump in.

The passive listener only takes in a small percentage of what is said and is missing any deeper meaning, nuance, body language or non-verbal clues. This style of listening is marked by incomplete meaning and little to no subtleties.

On the plus side, passive listening requires very little energy and is sufficient for every day “pass the butter” type of communication. This, of course, can lead to complacency.

Active Listening

Active Listening is listening with the intent of understanding the content of what is said. It requires more mental effort on the part of the listener. This requires being comfortable with silence and a willingness to sit still, which seems passive until you try it. You then realize how engaged we need to be to sit still. It is called active in that it requires the listener to be engaged. The active listener will ask clarifying and open-ended questions in an attempt to fully understand the message and the full meaning of what is being said. These questions are meant to clarify and move the conversation forward, not hijack the narrative.

Other feedback might come in the form of nonverbal cues: eye contact, showing interest with facial expressions, using an open body language, nodding to convey agreement and to encourage the speaker to share more. Active listeners not only understand the content of the words but will also absorb the meaning and overall message. This is listening with the intention of gathering every drop of meaning from words being shared.

Heart Centered Listening

Some people call this level of listening compassionate listening. This is listening from a non-judgmental, caring, empathetic space. We strive to fully understand what is being said like in active listening, and also understand the emotional content behind those words.

The very act of heart centered listening reduces the speaker’s suffering.

It helps them to feel valued and understood, and not alone in their pain. It also helps the listener be deeply, lovingly connected and establishes trust, releasing us from the impulse to give advice or “fix” the other person. In this way, we connect at the heart level, not just intellectually. This is the foundation of building self esteem and common ground. Compassionate listening creates a safe space to share our vulnerabilities and establish empathy and trust at deep, profound levels.

Heart Centered Listening pays full attention not only to the content of words but how they are delivered; the tone and pitch of voice, facial expressions, eye contact, pupil dilation, body language, volume and rate of speech. It’s more than the literal meaning of the words; what is the speaker feeling when they say these words. What are they not saying? What is their emotional state?

Heart Centered Listening is more than a set of techniques. It is a state of being inside yourself. You have to be in a place of compassion for yourself and the speaker. The techniques in the previous paragraph are important, but they will ring hollow if you are not coming from a place of love, kindness and compassion. Take a moment to check in with your inner state of mind and emotions. Are you centered or are you anxious? If you are angry and frustrated, no amount of clever listening techniques will connect you. Check to see if there is a golden thread connecting your heart to theirs - if so, you are ready for Heart Centered Listening.

If Heart Centered Listening is so useful, why don’t people use it more often?

Give it a try and it will become obvious; it takes a lot of energy and it’s really hard to do. This practice requires faith. When you are practicing Heart Centered Listening, your need to be heard is not being met. This is often at a time when you really, really want to be heard. You are not talking at all, just listening. For your relationship to work, your partner needs to return the favor and listen to you, and we hope they will. But in the meantime, you are taking a leap of faith in yourself, in your partner, in your relationship. You are acting on faith that your needs will get met in the future, that you will be heard.

I realize this is easier said than done, like pretty much everything I’m writing about here. It feels uncomfortable and breaks with past listening habits. We don’t witness deep, compassionate listening very often if ever, so we don’t have a past history of how this might look. We might feel like, “I’m not doing anything, I’m just sitting here!” and that makes us feel awkward. We might be tempted to say anything to feel less awkward, but please resist this temptation.

We are learning a new skill and that very often feels strange when we first try it. Just like the first time you swing a tennis racquet, speak Spanish for the first time or first try swing dancing. The more we practice, the more often we can step into Heart Centered Listening. As you are learning, there may be times when you don’t spend the extra effort for this deep level of listening. It really does take concentration and your attention may be taken by the 100’s of tasks we are called to do each day. It’s difficult to use these listening tools all the time. I listen compassionately for a living and I can’t do it every minute of every day. So when do we use them?

We do NOT want to use these skills if the person speaking to you is being abusive, manipulative, or in any way intending you harm. In that situation, we want to employ the use of healthy boundaries, more about those in future pages.

We make a special effort to use compassionate listening when you feel upset, you notice you and your partner beginning an argument or you and your boss start moving toward conflict. When you notice your adrenaline rising, that is your que to step into Heart Centered Listening. It is the goal to use these skills with every conversation and every interaction; and with time it will be more and more common. It is a skill we are learning and like any skill gets easier with practice. So how might we pull something like this off? How do we accomplish heart centered listening?

How To Listen From the Heart

Start with being mindful in the present moment. You can practice with small interactions with casual acquaintances. Be aware when upset begins to show up. Notice increased breathing, perspiration, heart rate, skin flushing, tension in your face and body. Do your self regulation practice (deep breathing, affirmations, self-forgiveness) to let that go.
Set the intention to listen in a deeper way than we have done before. In some ways, this has nothing to do with the speaker; it has more to do with the quality we hold inside ourselves while we listen. We listen with the intention of seeing the speaker through the eyes of kindness. And to do that, we must let go of judgements. To let go of judgements, we must go to a place of compassion for ourselves. Most of our judgment of others is projecting our own discomfort onto them. Take a deep breath and let go of any judgements that may pop into your head.
Let go of trying to fix the other person or give advice. There will be plenty of time later for creative problem solving. When someone tells us of a difficult time they are having, it can make us uncomfortable and we don’t like feeling uncomfortable. It’s natural to think of all the solutions we would try if we were in the same situation. Set these aside until the speaker has been fully heard.
Adopt an open body position: uncross your arms and legs, point your chest (heart) toward their heart. Make loving eye contact, without staring. Give your conversation partner and what they are saying your full attention. Your attention validates what they have to say is important and by extension that they are valuable. Your full attention is a precious gift.
Use Perception Checking to see how well you are following their meaning. It is easy to misunderstand someone’s words because we filter everything we hear through our own experiences, biases, preconceptions. You may see a water glass as half empty and I see it as half full, and we are both describing the same glass. In order to truly understand someone we must set aside our own assumptions and ask questions for deeper clarification. An example might be: “I hear you say that everything is fine, your body language suggests you are upset. How are you feeling, really?”
Limit the scope of the sharing. Sometimes people can talk for hours, listing every upsetting thing that has ever happened. This can overwhelm your ability to hold a loving space. Holding a healthy boundary for the length and scope of sharing is helpful to you both. You might encourage the speaker to stick to a single topic or to bring their sharing to a close after 20 minutes. You can always continue sharing later.

When Heart Centered Listening is done well, it can be life changing for all concerned. Heart centered, compassionate listening creates a sacred silence. In the space the silence creates, we are able to find our common ground, truth in ourselves, and deeply know others.

Deep listening is the kind of listening that can help relieve the suffering of another person. You can call it compassionate listening. You listen with only one purpose: to help him or her to empty his heart.
-- Thich Nhat Hanh